Life is like waves in the sea, goes up and down, there are rare swimmers who can swim on those waves without fear and with optimistic attitude. Here’s a story when life gives you an opportunity, but you instead create your own heartbreak.
A bright Thursday morning, 6:30 am.
“inhaled and exhaled “Like any other day I was doing breathing exercise and my husband was scrolling down the TV channels like a 5 year old, they don’t have any news channels or English channels, he said. I asked him to calm down, it’s an important day for us and don’t spoil your mood, he nodded and asked me for a coffee, yes please, I said.
(5 minutes later)
He poured me a cup of coffee and passed me some chocolate cookies, we looked at each other and raised our cups for a toast “Happy Wedding Anniversary to us ”22’May’2014, our first wedding anniversary, little far from Singapore at Langkawi, Malaysia. We arrived at the hotel the night before, pleasing garden view balcony and silence all around us, only the sound of waves we could hear coming from far. We were receiving wishes from family and friends over phone, we spoke to our parents, nothing is possible without their blessings and love. I took out my laptop and stared checking my mails, I was expecting an important one but have not received yet.
Our whole day was already planned, we received a complementary cake and a bottle of red wine, both of us were not expecting that surprise, such a nice gesture from the hotel’s staff. We were immensely grateful to them for making our anniversary more special. We quickly freshened up and dressed for our special day, hired a taxi from hotel and asked him to take us for the city tour. 5:30 in the evening we had our cruise booked for sunset point, which is a famous tourist attraction. We were so amused by dinner, dance and romance on the cruise. The day was going so well that I had almost forgotten to check my mail again and only did after we reached back to the hotel.
Four mails from my recruitment agency and last mail with attachment “my offer letter.”
What more could have I asked for on that special day. I hugged my husband tightly, he already knew, sometime my husband’s instincts also work (LOL) or probably my hug had inkling him, Congrats Shipu you did it girl, he said and hugged me back.
Life had utterly changed by that one email; my joining date was soon. We came back to Singapore after spending one more day in Langkawi.
Finally, the big day arrived, I, dressed in formal attire, reached office on time. HR person was already waiting for me, I greeted her, and she took me to her cabin, she was quite soft spoken but quick-witted at the same time. She said she liked my positive attitude and my confidence during the interview (of course that’s me) and I acknowledged her complement.
She explained me company’s T&C etc. and introduced me to the other staff. After the meet and greet session I got my work station. There was a lot of pending work, shuffled documents and desktop wasn’t working. I was not expecting that on the very first day but I still took everything positively and started my work. People were nice to me for some days but after few days’ things weren’t the same. I started feeling uncomfortable with work and office environment. I was working as an assistant to everyone, that wasn’t the work been assigned to me in the first place. Feeling of disappointment and being misused started building up in me. Sometime the worst place you can be in is your own head and I didn’t handle the situation well at that time. Probably the reason was the expectations and misunderstandings, which were taking me towards anxiety, mood swings and as a result I turned into a pessimist. Life is very simple, but we complicate it with our own expectations, or everyone has their own respective reasons for it. I didn’t go to the HR to talk neither I discussed with my husband. Months passed by, now anxiety and stress had turned into depression. I must tell you depression has a way of replacing your confidence with pure anxiety and self-hatred or in other words a temporary curse which can easily take over your mind.
Day by day I was getting more depressed, I had isolated myself in the dejected zone, I started believing that my life has no meaning, my career has finished, there’s no one to support me, I was physically and mentally drained out, the sadness and loneliness was swallowing me up… But there was still hope inside me that kept on reminding me that there are two people who love me no matter what I do or wherever I go, their love is truly selfless and unconditional, my parents. I decided to visit them I applied for annual leave and within a week I reached my home town Shimla, Himachal Pradesh.
Their love and affection worked like therapy to me, but I still chose to visit the psychologist.
Before I visited the psychologist, I randomly searched online for people who had been in the same situation. Most people expressed similar feelings as I had, sadness, worries and mood swings which starts disrupting your day to day life , certainly this looked like the right time to seek medical help. On my first visit to the psychologist he sympathized me by saying everyone goes through depression once in his life time and the reason can be over concern, burden of responsibility, loss, regret, expectations, guilt, failure and many, which I guess are obvious reasons to get stressed. We humans tend to make plans when it doesn’t work out the way we want or fail, we crush our self with guilt because we never had a plan B, a plan for failure, the most important thing we skip while planning and plotting. So, all we need is to understand that depression is not something which can’t be cured like any other medical condition, this can also be rectified. We do every best possible exercise and take adequate remedies to keep our physical body happy and healthy but what we do for our brain to keep it happy? I guess nothing in fact we punish it with stress and anxiety every day and I don’t blame anyone for that except our self. Whenever you feel stressed, don’t be ashamed or hesitate even for a second to visit a psychologist or if you can’t then look for a person who loves you the most and speak your heart out about whatever is bothering you inside, have faith in yourself ,admire yourself, do whatever you like , keep yourself busy but never lose hope .Your parents love you or there is always someone special who cares for you …